The Kavanagh Sisters Podcast

Episode 21 - Shaneda Daly - Founder of Side by Side

'Trigger Warning' if you or someone you know has been affected by sexual abuse please remember the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre 24-Hour Helpline 1800 77 888

We kick off this series of podcasts where we undertake a number of interviews with people and organisations that provide supports to victims of sexual violence, childhood sexual abuse or childhood trauma, with Shaneda Daly, Founder of Survivors Side by Side- facebook support page.  

Shaneda, like ourselves was a victim of childhood sexual abuse, she against all odds was successful in having her father convicted and imprisoned for his crimes while all the time having no support from her family.  She has found her calling through reaching out to other victims and supporting them through the process of healing.  She founded ‘Survivors Side by Side’,  a facebook page allowing other victims the space to speak about their struggles or simply to sit and observe others doing so until they find their voice. This is a closed page so everyone on it knows they are safe.

Shaneda is a very courageous and inspiring women, she laughs her way through the most difficult times and is eager to pass on her learning to others who find themselves in the same predicament.  She is a fighter and a strong activist and believe me when I say she never rests; Ministers and TD’s have been plagued by her and she does not let up until she gets the results she wants.  She is funny, open, honest and fearless.  She speaks her mind and is an absolute inspiration to all who are lucky enough to know her. 

The object of the interviews is to provide information about what support is currently available, it will also be an opportunity to highlight what is missing and the huge piece of work still to be done. We firmly believe that together that is possible.

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

Audio of Blog - Paedophiles - Monsters or Humans

Paedophilia is a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experience a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children. It is also important that we understand that there are a certain percentage of paedophiles in the world today that have never acted on their sexual urges toward children and never intend to.

 

Evoking Reactions.

What do you think of when you hear the word “paedophile”? Do you think of a person?

I don’t. I don’t even think of a human being when I hear that word. The media’s portrayal of paedophiles as monsters generates and supports fear. This portrayal can prevent us from seeing them as actual human beings. We have labelled them, categorised them and no longer think of them as human.  All we see is an unforgivable and heinous sexual act against an innocent child from a creature we feel doesn’t deserve to live.

We have identified the problem. We acknowledge it exists, but we want to distance ourselves from having to deal with the issue any further. It is too upsetting for us. We have done exactly the same thing with people who use drugs, de-humanised them, label them as “scum” and again for our own protection we distance ourselves. It is a fear-based reaction, cultivated by media and taken on as fact by the general populous.  I am guilty of buying in to this thinking myself, but I also recognise it serves no one.

 General Consensus

There are not many issues that are easy to get a consensus on.  Paedophiles, however, evoke such deep feelings of anger, rage, hatred and intense disgust the world over.  We don’t feel we should question or challenge anyone for voicing such feelings.  The reason being, we all feel the acting out of their sexual urges with children is unforgiveable so when we hear of vengeance being exacted against a paedophile, most of us would find it difficult to judge the taking of revenge.

In contrast to all of that, we must consider that victims usually know their abuser and are often related to them. Part of the difficulty in dealing with this crime is that now we have to marry this “monster” that is portrayed culturally with this “person” we may or may not have felt love for at one time.

It’s definitely a head wrecker but demonstrates that paedophiles are indeed someone’s Son, daughter, mother, father, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, or neighbour etc………… human beings.

 Let me tell you a story.

Below is an excerpt from ‘Why Go Back? 7 Steps to Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse.’ The purpose of sharing this excerpt is simply to encourage an open mind, an open heart and open dialogue around the very emotive issue of Paedophilia.

(excerpt)

Imagine someone knocking at your door and informing you that your daughter or son has been raped.  

Your heart is broken as you listen to the details of what they went through, and who it was that raped him/her.  Imagine the range of emotions you are experiencing.  How do you feel about the abuser? What would you like to see happen to them? How do you feel they should be treated? Would you like to see them physically harmed in any way?

 Now imagine someone knocking on your door and informing you that your son or daughter has abused a child.

Your heart is broken as you listen to the details of what they put the child through. Imagine the range of emotions you are experiencing except wouldn’t you now want to know why? Why did my child behave in such a way? What is going on for my child? How can I help my child?”

 (excerpt)

 Without considering anyone in particular…can you imagine the life you would have if you were a paedophile?  I cannot imagine how I would feel to find out that one of my children had been raped.  Having gone through it myself and knowing the pain and suffering ahead of them it would break my heart. But I would far rather hear they were raped than hear that they had raped someone.

  Not Going Anywhere.

Unfortunately, this is one problem that is not going away on its own.  Even the awareness of how one is viewed and treated if it is known that you are a paedophile doesn’t deter sexual predators. This should inform any right-minded person that this issue requires a higher level of education and understanding from us.  No one would risk being vilified and gaining the label of sex offender if it was simply a matter of choice.

On Friday 29^th of December 2017, The Guardian Newspaper reported that there are an “Estimated 20,000 British men interested in sexually abusing children. Within the article they quoted Police Chief Simon Bailey who said that “even thousands more detectives would not be enough to bring every offender to justice”. 

Another probably more alarming aspect of abuse gaining momentum is the fact that women are also sexual predators.  This is something that is even harder for us to comprehend but again quoting The Guardian Newspaper when covering the story of a nursery school worker Vanessa George who pled guilty to sexually abusing young children they reported alarming figures on women found to be sex offenders. In the article as far back as 4^th October 2009, they reported that Up to 64,000 women in UK ‘are child-sex offenders.

Finding Balance

Although I am very happy with victims finding their voice and having the courage to tell their story.  It is very important to recognise that every case is different with a unique back story which needs to be considered on an individual basis.  I absolutely hold the view Matt Damon expressed during an interview with ABC News where he stated “There’s a difference between, you know, patting someone on the butt and rape or child molestation, right. “Both of those behaviours need to be confronted and eradicated without question, but they shouldn’t be conflated, right?”  Matt Damon received a lot of criticism for what he said because it was taken out of content.

I personally witnessed an entire family lives being destroyed because of one family members actions that were wrong and harmful to a child. In this case the person was young and sexually curious.  He inappropriately touched someone a lot younger than himself and yes, his actions were wrong and yes, he should have to suffer the consequences of his actions.  But I do not believe he should receive the same punishment as an adult sex offender or serial rapist. He cannot be seen in the same light as someone like my father for example.

 Dangerous Labelling

Fear and lack of understanding ensures that someone like the young man above is automatically labelled as a sexual predator.  The impact on the physical, mental and emotional health of the entire family when his actions came to light is still ongoing.  When friends and family heard about his actions they distanced themselves from the entire family ostracising them and sending the message that they should all feel shame for what had occurred.

Everything is a process and to be horrified and filled with anger and rage because of the actions of a paedophile is a perfectly normal first response. I want to be clear that I am not for one second suggesting that these thoughts are in any way wrong or that you should deny them. I am suggesting that until we can manage to get past this stage of response, we can never hope to create change.

 

 

Changing the Outcomes

It took me forever to arrive at my current belief that in order for real change to occur in this world we need to change how we currently view sexual predators and paedophiles. We need to be willing to provide help for sexual offenders.  We need to recognise that they have a problem/sickness/addiction/compulsion? and find our own humanity and offer a helping hand.  No one else is going to do it for us we each have a role to play.

If my sisters and I can arrive at this place after a lifetime of suffering the impacts of being victims of this crime, then I believe we all can do it.  I thank god, I am no longer carrying all that hatred and anger that was only hurting me.

Thank God, more and more people are speaking out about their abuse which greatly decreases the chances of people going to the grave holding on to all of the guilt and shame that was never theirs.  We have a unique opportunity for healing to occur on a global scale if we but have the will.

I am still afraid of paedophiles and the harm they can do. I still don’t understand how anyone could harm a child let alone sexually. I have managed to forgive my own Father but that doesn’t mean I would welcome him with open arms into my life.  I forgave for me not for him. I can now see how desperately we all need to find a way to do the same.  From forgiveness the next obvious step is to help find a way to eradicate this scourge from all our lives.

People fear what they do not understand but the good news is change is happening.  Part of the reason we are so excited about our new book ‘Why Go Back? 7 Steps to Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse.’ is our belief that the knowledge that is held within the pages provided such comfort for us and we regretted not finding it sooner.  We are completely confident that it would have saved us years of self-hatred.  We believe it will do the same for our readers.

 *Within this blog, when I mention paedophiles, I am talking about any sexual predators who has sexually abused children.

June – 3rd January 2018

Audio of Blog - No Justice, No Winners

I felt compelled to write about the Belfast rape case as I am still reeling from the impact of the outcome. I would imagine I’m not alone when I describe a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every time, I think about it. With that said, I would have to admit that right from the beginning of the case when I began to read and hear on social media about the witness who entered the room on what she thought was a “threesome”, I foresaw the possibility of this outcome.

Positive Impact

I would absolutely like to begin by thanking that woman for her bravery and courage. The outcome of the case, although hugely disappointing (to put it mildly) is a landmark moment. This case will probably do far more good in the long run, not only for the girl herself, but for the worldwide movement for equality for women.  She will probably never know how many people support her, believe her, and have been moved to tears, and to action because of her.

While attending a talk in the Liquor Rooms, Wellington Quay, on ‘The Culture of Sexual Harassment’ last night (28^th March) Simone George (Consultant Litigator) said that ‘if we had equality there would be no need for conversations around consent, because we would be dealing with equals.’ These bumps in the road are to insure we stay vigilant in our pursuit for gender equality. The truth of the matter is that every man woman and child is part of the problem.   We were born into it, we may not have created it, but we are responsible for changing it.

Who Holds the Power

The issue of inequality between the sexes, patriarchy and male supremacy all sustain the rape culture that cases like this bring into the light. These seemingly acceptable behaviours all stem from cultural norms that go back generations. These systems were designed by men for men, to ensure that men retained all of the power.

The culture we grew up with has been sustained by generations of men with power, dominating and controlling women’s lives from every conceivable angle. As a result, women of every race, creed and culture have internalised our oppression to the point of simply ‘putting up with it’.   Just as slavery once ended, this too must end.

Conditioning

I have to fight against my own conditioning of resenting and hating men for how they treat women.  It is no more their fault than it is mine.  I do not wish to condone the actions of a rapist or diminish rape and its impacts in any way. However, I think it’s is important to acknowledge that the rapist is just as conditioned to see women as ‘less than’ as women are to accept their behaviours.

We must all take a giant step back and recognise that there is a much bigger problem to deal with.  A complete shift in our thinking is required for change to occur.  We are up against a system, a patriarchy like our political, legal, health and education systems that are inept, outdated and not fit for purpose. Gender inequality is just another system put in place a long time ago.

Change is coming

The good news is that we are gaining small incremental changes. There does appear to be a worldwide awakening around these issues.  It is important to remember that and not get despondent when things go wrong, or we don’t get the outcomes we hope and work for.

All these systems must come down.  Piece by piece, bit by bit.  It will not be easy, and it will take time, but we mustn’t give up or take our eye off the ball and lose momentum.

We must start teaching our children in schools and at home in a more holistic way. We need to provide them the tools they need to navigate this world.  Placing mental health at the top of the agenda.  Children should be learning about their bodies as soon as they begin to walk. To quote Noeline Blackwell (CEO, Dublin Rape Crisis Centre) ‘our education systems should be minding our children’s mental, physical and emotional needs.’

We must teach both boys and girls as young as possible about their own bodies. They need to feel in control and have full autonomy when it comes to personal space and boundaries.

There are strong amazing women and men working tirelessly to attain some balance.  We must all do our bit, however small. We can create a better world where men and women are equal if we work together.

 June- 29th March 2018

Audio of Poem - Mother

Mother

I usually don’t feel anything
even though Its Mother’s Day
my childhood really messed me up
so it’s always been this way

I used to wish you showed me love
I wanted nothing more
I used to long for tenderness
from the woman I adored

It’s a lack in my life that will always remain
I’ve accepted that’s just how it is
I never got to feel your love
so I had to settle for his

Never to know if I was loved
by the woman I called my mother
hurt more than abuse at the hands of the man
who damaged me like no other

With no words from you for most of my life
I drew my own conclusions
no understanding of what I did wrong
left me feeling so much confusion

I’ve grown up now and healed some wounds
with children of my own
if I knew then what I know now
I wouldn’t have felt so alone

It took a long time but I’m different now
I’ve even changed my views
as things became clearer I soon realised
that you were a victim too

 Your life was loveless and empty
you did the best you could
I’m proud of how you managed
you did better that I would

I hope I make you proud mam
your life was not in vain
you raised amazing children
who rose above the pain

You showed me what true love is
I didn’t know it then
you tried to protect us
time and time again

You had to close your heart
you couldn’t take any more
but gave your life in service
to the family that you bore

You gave and gave persistently
I just couldn’t see
you had to die before my eyes
before it dawned on me

The truth is mam, my hope for you
is peace and love and laughter
I really hope your happy now
from your loving daughter.

June

Audio of Blog - Sexual Abuse Has No Gender Preference

We claim to be experts only when speaking about our own experience of abuse, but because we are women who were abused by a man, we tend to speak in general about female victims and male perpetrators.  However, it is important to note, that we do not intend to exclude male victims of sexual abuse when we do this.

GENDER INEQUALITY

I have always felt strongly about gender inequality.  Not just because it’s so unfair but because it’s a major contributing factor in all sexual abuse crimes. However, there is one female attribute that tips the scales a little in our favour that I am very grateful for. That is, the ability to discuss our feelings.

I’ve often thought that at some point in history, powerful men foolishly overlooked this feminine attribute.  They must have viewed it as non-threatening or they would have put a stop to or curtailed it in some way.  Instead throughout the age’s men have smugly demeaned women’s emotional intelligence through labelling it as either ‘women’s talk’, ‘women just being neurotic’, ‘nagging’ or simply women engaging in gossip’. They appeared to believe that women sharing their feelings held no value whatsoever and often prided themselves on not possessing this female trait.

Boy where they wrong. Without our ability to discuss and explore our feelings, the issues around sexual abuse would never have come to light and we wouldn’t have learned about the levels of harm it has left in its wake.  Talking about how we feel is probably the most important tool we have to get us out of this mess, and let’s face it, it is one hell of a mess.

CHANGE OF HEART

The first time I heard that boys were being sexually abused, I was genuinely shocked.  I never expected it and It added another dimension to this crime I hadn’t expected.   It was a lot for me to take in.

The realisation that boys too where being sexually abused was probably the beginning of my change in attitude towards men.  I had to consider them going through what I’d been through.  It wasn’t easy, and I wasn’t very willing.  I hated and resented men for so long because all my suffering had been at the hands of a man. Seeing men as victims opened my heart and gave me a lot to think about.

When cases started to emerge in the media of women who were also sexually abusing young girls and boys, I felt so confused.  I didn’t want to believe it and still don’t, but it is the truth. I had to accept that this crime was far more complex than I had originally thought, and also, that it was not gender specific.

WORK TO BE DONE

There is an awful lot of work still to be done as every day more and more sexual abuse is being uncovered.  The media is now saturated with stories of sexual abuse and we believe we are still only touching the tip of the iceberg.  We must focus on healing the courageous victims that are speaking out while continuing to encourage further male and female victims of sexual abuse to come forward and heal.

Female victims have the advantage because of their capacity to share how they feel.  We need to make it safe for men to do the same. These men may be our husbands, sons, fathers or brothers.  We all need each other and there are many reasons why we have a duty to help men deal with their abuse. Firstly, we need to support and have compassion for those men who were actively discouraged against discussing their feelings, because we understand its importance in recovery. Men were always taught that sharing feelings was a weakness. If we do not help them to communicate and talk about how they feel, we will continue to see men remain trapped in their pain. Men who stay stuck in pain and hurt are destined to develop negative thinking patterns and behaviours that impact those around them.

They may become aggressive and act out their anger because it is one emotion that has always been considered acceptable for men.

Secondly, it is the right thing to do. If we want real equality, it goes both ways.  We need to keep our hearts open.  Our society will remain negatively impacted if even one person doesn’t receive the help they deserve.

It is fair to say that there are both victims and perpetrators of sexual abuse in all walks of life here in Ireland, working at all levels in our society, infiltrating, influencing and manipulating all our institutions.  We simply have no way to measure the effect this is having on our way of life. We need to consider how our lives are and will continue to be impacted and shaped by this fact with the understanding that perpetrators and victims who have not received any help or support may be responsible for making decisions every day that affects our lives.  It would be unreasonable to expect favourable or positive outcomes from damaged people.

CHALLENGE EVERYTHING, WE HAVE BEEN TAUGHT

Men and women need to challenge what they were taught about their gender. What where you told was a man or a woman’s role?  Do you agree with it? what makes a man, a man, or a woman, a woman? Just what qualities, behaviours, attributes or feelings were assigned to each gender.  What as a woman or a man where you told you should be aiming for in life. Ask yourself is it now what you want?

We must make it acceptable for men to express their vulnerabilities, share their fears and thoughts with us and their male friends. Ensure men that they will be gaining something, not losing.  We could all be better at seeing the sharing of pain as an act of bravery not one of weakness. The old saying that ‘real men don’t cry’ has to be eliminated from deep in our consciousness.   Men must also get on board and acknowledge women’s emotional intelligence and do their part to ensure equality.

REALLY NOT IMPORTANT

I have reached a point in my life where I realise I will never understand why or how one person can sexually abuse another, and it doesn’t really matter.  What does it matter if it’s a girl or a boy, a man or a woman, sexual abuse is always wrong and has no gender preference. It is time to understand that sharing our experiences and emotions without shame or concern of judgement is the only way forward for all of us.

June – 20th August 2018

Audio of Blog - The Aftermath of the Belfast Rape Case

I believe timing played a major role in the public’s reaction to the Belfast rape trial.  The world has changed a lot in the last six months and for many, the trial represented the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Shift in Thinking

Rape cases happen every day but because of how this trial was reported on, and the treatment of both the victim and the accused men, this case caused a palpable shift in thinking about casual sex and how consent is given and understood. For many women both north and south of the border it was time to stand up and say enough is enough.

It is also reasonable to say that we only heard about this case because the accused were celebrities in the rugby world.  Although the accused were found not guilty of rape, the public’s reaction following the verdict was understandable and, in my opinion, warranted.

Even though they were found not guilty of rape, they were most definitely guilty of treating a young girl as an object for their own sexual gratification. They demonstrated no understanding of the condition they left the young girl in and showed a complete lack of consideration for her well-being. They paid no regard to the fact that the girl they had intimate relations with left their home bloodied, bruised and in tears.  In my opinion this is a disgusting way to behave towards anyone.  The inappropriate texts that emerged during the trial added to how enraged the public felt towards these men.

It is rare that people react so strongly to a rape case, but the Belfast trial provoked an enormous response as it clearly highlighted the plight of the victim.  It must have resonated or affected people personally in order to trigger this level of response.

In my opinion both our drinking culture and our not too distant relationship with the church and its deliberate misrepresentation of what sex and sexuality meant in our lives allowed both men and women to relate to the victim and accused.  There probably is no one, male or female who hasn’t woke up at some time in their past, hung over and not remembering where they were or how they got home.

I find It commendable that people got behind the victim in the Belfast rape trial as she demonstrated such courage while being treated appallingly by the courts. However, it would be even better if everyone could respond to the entire issue of rape and sexual violence in the same way and recognise how personally our lives are impacted by these crimes.  We are in danger of becoming de-sensitised to this crime through the regularity of media reports.   We need to see this crime for the epidemic that it is.

Living in Denial

Knowing that the available statistics around rape and sexual violence is not reflective of the actual numbers of victims living with the impacts of this crime, makes it inconceivable that Northern Ireland was left with no rape crisis centre due to lack of funding.  It speaks volumes about the levels of denial that currently exists around the need for providing resources for these crimes.

We need to understand how victims of sexual crimes are affected if we are ever to realise how these crimes ultimately impact and shape our communities.  When will we see that through not providing adequate supports to both the victims and perpetrators in these cases, we all pay the price?

Some examples of how the effects on victims spill over into all our lives:

1. Some victims looking for pain relief from their emotional and psychological suffering turn to drink or drugs. These individuals that we often refer to as “druggies” are merely trying to stop the pain they feel. If anything, we should feel compassion for the levels of pain they are trying to avoid.
2. Some victims get in deeper and deeper and have to turn to crime to support the habit that began because of an inability to cope with their suffering.  They don’t’ feel they are worth anything. The drugs they take to avoid their pain is also preventing them from any positive feelings or hope for a better future.
3. Violence is often the trademark of male victims of sexual abuse in an attempt to take back their power and their masculinity.  These victims often end up in prison for committing violent crimes and are likely to be there because they don’t know how to express emotions in a healthy manner as they were neither given the permission or the tools necessary to speak out.
4. We found during our research for ‘Why Go Back? 7 Steps to Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse’that men and women that have experienced abuse and don’t receive treatment for trauma are more likely to develop mental health issues, addictions, eating disorders and have suicidal tendencies.
5. Marital issues around sex, spills over into discontentment and unhappy marriages. This leads to poor parenting which contributes to the next generation of dysfunctional adults.

These are just some of the ways rape and sexual violence impacts all of us. Although this might seem like an extreme generalisation, it is not even touching the sides of the scale of this problem.

Yet another way we pay for this crime is through our taxes. We pay for this crime through the health sector, judicial system, child and family services, addictions services, and probation services.

 

Wake Up Call

We need to collectively wake up to the scale of the problem and start taking it seriously. An obvious starting point would be providing the much-needed funding for the current experienced service providers both north and south of the border like the Rape Crisis Centres-One in Four-CARI and Nexus. We need to recognise the vital role these services play in providing advice and support to victims and their families.

The waiting lists for these services are outrageous with Nexus NI currently holding a waiting list of 800 people. I wonder what it will take before the government understand just how short sighted it is not to supply the funding on this end of the problem, knowing that if these individuals cannot access the help they need they will end up costing the state more through the fall out.  The state needs to step up to the plate and start fulfilling their responsibilities.  Victims are tired of being let down with nowhere to turn and trying to navigate their pain and suffering while this country constantly demonstrates no consideration or compassion through lack of provision for them.

It is also important that we all understand that we can play a role in calling for change. We have a right to feel outraged and see the current situation as unacceptable. Protesting does have an impact on how we move forward. Everyone needs to do whatever they can, public voices do count.

Moving Forward

In relation to the men at the centre of the Belfast trial I offer the following advice. Give back, find a relatable cause (such as the new development of a rape crisis centre in Belfast) and fund raise or give talks if that’s what is needed to redeem yourselves.

Rightly or wrongly you find yourselves in a very negative position. A position that represents an era of misogyny and male domination that we are rightly moving away from. Your actions now could make a huge positive contribution to that movement.

 

June- 19th April 2018

Audio of Blog - Raising Awareness of Childhood Sexual Abuse Triggers

When abuse of any description is covered on TV it is usually followed by an announcement that if you have been triggered by the content of the programme call this phone number.  As a victim of childhood sexual abuse, I often heard the term triggers without making the connection to what was happening in my own life.

Those of us who have suffered from flashbacks or strong emotional or physical responses in the most inopportune moments can really struggle to connect the dots.

Because triggers can be from the most innocuous things, it is not uncommon to become flooded by feelings of fear or panic that often appear to come out of the blue and without any warning or connection to anything that is happening at the time.

Add to that that once you get triggered the response felt can last for a second or linger for weeks. This can make it even more difficult for you to understand what the initial cause or trigger for your emotional or physical response was.

When I broke my ankle a few years back I began to have nightly panic attacks. I had an overwhelming feeling that I was going to die in the middle of the night. I really struggled to understand what was happening to me. I went around all day feeling panic and a physical pain in my chest and was constantly dreading the thoughts of bedtime.

I found myself delaying going to bed and only gave in when I was exhausted, even then I’d sit on the top stair for at least ten minutes telling myself that I was fine and had nothing to worry about. This carried on for weeks until I finally understood that I was being triggered by my dependency on my partner to do everything for me. I hated feeling helpless and out of control and all this brought me back to my childhood feelings of not being able to escape when my father came into my room at night to rape me.

What are Triggers? 

A trigger is anything that reminds you of your trauma. They can be extremely personal and can occur at any time. Triggers can be sounds, smells, tastes, touch, the tone in someone voice, hearing a word or phrase, seeing images, videos, an expression or a gesture.  It is likely that you may feel powerless to stop your immediate emotional or physical response to your triggers.

What Happens When you are Triggered?

A trigger can cause a strong or overwhelming emotional or physical response which can occur at any time. A typical response can be anger, rage, uncontrollable crying, physical pain, palpitations or breathlessness.

These triggered responses can transport you back to unconscious or stored memories or experiences of trauma. It is not unusual for you to feel confused or overwhelmed, and you can sometimes feel like you have been hit by a train.

Why are Victims of Abuse Vulnerable to Triggers?

Those of us who have experienced trauma as a child develop a variety of coping mechanisms that allow us to store memories or emotions away from our conscious minds.

When you engage one of your senses connected to your abuse, for instance in my case the sounds of someone eating loudly or crunching food can immediately transport me back to a memory of my father and how much I hated sitting at the table while he shoveled food into his mouth and dribbled its contents down his top.

Understanding just how you store memories can help to understand why these emotional or physical experiences can appear to have no apparent connection to what is happening in your life at the time when they occur.

Understanding Your Coping Mechanisms

I can honestly say I was shocked that something as simple as a broken ankle could throw be back into memories of my abuse.  When we were researching coping mechanisms for our book, ‘Why Go Back? 7 Steps to Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse’ we discovered how as victims of abuse our memories are often fragmented, with this knowledge things began to fall into place. Understanding that it is not uncommon for emotions and facts to be stored in different parts of the brain helped me make the connections between triggers and emotional responses.

It is for this very reason that I understand the importance of victims understanding all of the many ways abuse impacts your life so that you can take control and save yourself from needless suffering and pain.

What to Do in the Moment?

I know it’s all well and good to say that you don’t have to carry on being triggered when you’re on the other side of the trauma. However, I have found a number of things helped me through the times I struggled the most.

1. Firstly, talk to someone. Call a support person or friend to say how you are feeling and allow them to help you. It is not a sign of weakness to get help rather a sign of strength. Remember how you feel when you are in a position to help a friend it’s the same for them, so where possible call someone.
2. Breath, I know how simple this can sound but it really can help. If you can bring your attention to your breath, breathing in for 10 and out for 10 and then reduce it to 9, 8, 7 and so on… it helps to not only distract you from the panic but calms you down and helps you sleep.
3. Acknowledge your feelings be it upset of angry I know this also sounds easy but crying or getting angry is something I still struggle with. I can tell you that when I do make a conscious effort to express my feelings things improve.
4. Repeat a Mantra/statement or phrase: By repeating a phrase in your head you distract yourself long enough to calm down and think more rationally. This can be anything like ‘Everything is Ok’ to ‘I am going to be fine’ it is not important what you say just the act of repeating the statement will work to get you out of your head.
5. Try writing how you are feeling. Writing is a great way to express yourself freely.
6. Drink water: because the body releases chemicals when you are anxious water can help release toxins and reduce the stress you are feeling.
7. Triggers for anyone who experienced any type of trauma can be very debilitating and frightening. I feel it is especially true for those of us who experienced childhood sexual abuse. If you understand how your memories work and how to access them, you will be better placed to identify and manage those things that trigger painful memories in the future.

Paula- 4th February 2018

Audio of Blog - Perfectionism - A Way of Dealing with Childhood Trauma

Is it bad that I am a perfectionist?

I can say that I would have been very happy to describe myself as a perfectionist as I saw it as a person who was good and wanted to do their best. I was often teased for the way I did certain things in the house. I ignored this believing that I was doing things right and they are just too lazy to bother. I never saw it as a negative way of being in the world.

Dr.Brené Brown says perfectionism is one of the three main ways people protect themselves from getting hurt. She says it is just a form of armour and connected to your sense of shame and fear of not being good enough.

She explains that we use perfectionism in areas of our lives that we feel most vulnerable. It is driven by the belief that ‘if I look perfect, work perfect, live perfect I will avoid or minimise criticism, blame or ridicule’.

Where did it start for me?

When I was in school I would ask Joyce to write my homework in my copy because her writing was tidy, and my copy stayed clean. My writing was sloppy, and my copy was always dirty from using my eraser over and over again.  Over time I began to copy her writing, partly so I wouldn’t get caught out, but mainly because I was so embarrassed at my own handwriting.

When I began working in the family business making soft toys I was so obsessed with keeping my work space clear. I became very stressed if my bench was untidy, I had nothing on the surface that was not immediately needed and the tools I needed e.g. scissors and chalk had to be placed just right or I found myself feeling tense, getting headaches or physical pain in my body. At the time I didn’t make any connection to my physical symptoms.

When I played basketball, I would come home and wash everything I had on. I was convinced my clothes needed to be scalded clean to remove any trace of personal odour.

I ironed everything I wore, pants, socks, bras and even washed my runners and removed the laces and ironed them too. I also spent a lot of time making sure the laces went back into the runner without creasing them. I knew this was mad, but I felt so ugly on the inside, so my outward appearance had to be perfect enough to distract from anyone noticing me.

OCD and Perfectionism

I developed a number of conditions in my teens which I was unaware of, I just thought it was my way of doing things. I was obsessed with cleanliness and doing things in a particular order. Because of this everything took longer as I had to repeat the task three times to ensure I removed all the dirt.

When I cleaned my bedroom, I had to do it in a particular order, removing all bedding and hoovering the bed and floor at least three times in case I missed anything. I would then remove my clothes and put them in the wash before showering and scrubbing every inch of my body with a nail brush to make sure I got rid of all the germs I imaged were on my skin.

I hated my life and the only thing that helped was my love of basketball. I created a completely different me with the basketball group. Although I was obsessive in the sport, training every day and often getting up at 6 am to run drills, I also slept with my basketball beside me. To me this seemed perfectly normal because I convinced myself it was necessary in becoming a good basketball player

Perfectionism Made Me Miserable

In college and in my working life, striving for perfection in everything I did put me under tremendous pressure as what I was looking for was impossible. I hated that I was an all or nothing person, so if I made a mistake and wanted to avoid criticism I just quit the task I was on at the time, making some excuse why it couldn’t be completed. I was so anxious all the time and convinced that I was incapable of doing anything right. I was constantly waiting for someone else to realise that I was stupid and sack me.

I pushed myself to work harder than my colleagues. No matter how busy and overloaded I already felt, I never said no to anyone asking me to do something, I even volunteered myself for extra work knowing it was impossible to meet my deadlines. I didn’t want anyone to know I couldn’t cope so used to take the work home and stay up most nights to get it completed.

I put myself under so much pressure to do things perfectly and did not tolerate mistakes. I became increasingly ill, developing rashes, headaches, sinus problems, and allergies. I struggled more and more to sleep often returning to work after two hours sleep if I was lucky. I’d stare at the wall wishing I wasn’t so much of a coward and willed myself to just end it all.

How to I stop being a perfectionist?

The more I find out about how and why I developed the need to be perfect the more I recognise how unachievable and unnecessary it is. Through researching for ‘Why Go Back? 7 Steps to Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse’ I had to explore the various conditions and disorders that I developed as a result of my childhood trauma. This information has armed me with the knowledge I needed to make the necessary changes. I could see the energy I was devoting to overthinking and overdoing any task I took on.

This will sound like a contradiction but, how I minimise my need for perfectionism is, I don’t try. I accept that this is something I do and don’t use it as another way to tell myself that I have failed or something else to hate myself for. Now when I start a new project I start at the end. I ask myself what I am trying to achieve and who am I trying to please.

My desire for perfectionism is driven by my need  to be right and my belief that others can’t do the work as well as me.  This often stops me asking for help when I feel overwhelmed. This behaviour only feeds my perfectionism, but the more I recognise this in my behaviour the more I can challenge it.

Believe it or not my dogs really helped me because they don’t care if  the house or car is spotless or that I want everything to be perfect.  They do their own thing regardless and accept me just as I am.

Dr. Brené Brown stated that the difference between perfectionism and a striver is the idea that you are doing something for the approval of others. I do the perfectionism less and less and the striver more. This has resulted in me improving in my belief that what I do, I do to the best of my ability and that is always good enough.

15th February 2018 – Paula

Audio of Blog - Childhood Sexual Abuse and Anxiety / Panic Attacks

Anxiety and panic attacks have been linked to childhood trauma, but it is by no means the only cause. Panic attacks can occur due to number of conditions including social anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, drug use, depression, and a number of medical problems. They can either be triggered or occur unexpectedly. However, children that experience trauma are more likely to have increased anxiety and depressive behaviours which they can endure well into adulthood, making those adults less capable of coping with stress.

Joyce and I have both suffered from panic attacks, and although, for Joyce, they are a thing of the past, I unfortunately on occasion still struggle with them.  I hope that this blog will help others who also suffer with these awful attacks, to gain a deeper understanding of the fear that surrounds them. It is important that you know that you are not crazy, and you can manage them with awareness and support.

I have thought about writing a blog on this subject for some time now but I hesitated for fear that simply writing about it, would bring on an attack. I experienced my first anxiety attack when I broke my leg a few years ago.   That forced confinement brought to the surface feelings of helplessness and dependency. At the time I didn’t really understand what was happening and over the next few months I became more and more anxious.  I believe it was this recurrence of anxiety that resulted in my first panic attack.

My panic attacks came out of the blue, my lips began to feel strange and because I had bell’s palsy in the past, I was afraid it would come back again. This was followed by a tingling sensation running through body. My heart began to thump out of my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The fear built up so rapidly that it took complete control of my thoughts. The overwhelming feelings that I was about to die or have a stroke was terrifying. My imagination brought images to my mind of at best, me lying dead on the floor alone or being taking away by ambulance to a mad house.

Now I would consider myself a rational and logical person and I can tell the difference between imagination and reality quite easily. However, when I am in the middle of a panic attack nothing can tell me that what I am feeling is not real. I am absolutely convinced that I am going to have a stroke, or more likely I am about to die.

What scares me most is the place I felt safest is no longer available to me, my mind. I am most comfortable in my head and it is also where I retreat to when I’m stressed or worried. My fear around having an attack can make it difficult to focus on my work and this causes more stress. It becomes a vicious circle.

It is the actual fear and anticipation of an attack that drives my anxiety.  I am sure that I have even brought on an attack by focusing on the fear. However, lately I have tried meditations and mental exercises to talk myself down and they are working for me while I work on uncovering the underlying cause of the attacks.

This may sound strange, but I am grateful for the panic attacks because they have forced me out of my head and into the moment. I have always found when I’m stressed or worried, I get ill or have physical pain.  The panic attacks are just another way to look at what is going on in the background. I believe they will stop when I understand what they are trying to tell me.

Childhood Trauma

For those of us who have experienced trauma as children it is most likely that the triggers to panic attacks have their roots in the past. It is also likely that the fear is subconscious. Fear is only powerful when we do not know its origins, it loses its power if we understand where it comes from.  Exploring childhood trauma with a professional can uncover the root cause behind the fear that drives panic attacks.

In the meantime, if you understand what is happening inside your body when having an attack, it may help to stop it before it gets going.

I read somewhere that it only takes three minutes for adrenaline to fill your body and cause a panic attack. That also means that you will have three minutes to stop the adrenaline before the attack takes hold. To stop an attack, you must interrupt the messages of fear going to your brain.

During my last attack, I tried the steps below and it did stop the attack before it got hold. It didn’t remove the fear but at least I wasn’t controlled by it.

I am aware that it’s both the anticipation of the attack and the thoughts during the attack that do me the most harm.

Following these steps was most helpful to me:

This is the one that really worked for me – Scream in your head STOP over and over until the panic stops. (I can’t tell you why this is effective but it definitely stops my attacks.)

Try to relax, I know how difficult this is, but it is the first step that will allow you to stop the messages going to the brain telling you that you are in danger and prevent the release of any more adrenaline.

Focus on your breath, breathe in and out to a count of 7, then 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Make the breaths as deep as you can, this can be very difficult, but it really will help so persevere.

Think of a place, person, or thing that you associate with being calm and relaxed.

Scream in your head ‘I’m fine’ ‘I am ok’ ‘Nothing bad is going to happen’ the louder you can scream the better.

Repeat your own positive messages to counter what you normally say during an attack. The point is to stop you repeating the negative fear filled messages that make the attack worse and last longer.

When the attack has passed write a list of everything you fear in this moment, it is necessary to dissect these fears.  You may discover the similarities in your present and your past fears.  Understanding your fear removes its power.

This takes time and practice, but I found it helped me.  Once you can deal with the symptom’s you will be free to begin to focus on the underlying cause.  You need to know that a panic attack will not kill you. Use them to understand yourself and you will come out the other end stronger.

Paula – 28th March 2018

Audio of Blog - Are we Ready to Face the Truth

With the pending visit to Ireland of Pope Francis in August, it may be a good opportunity for us all to re-examine our religious beliefs and look at how Irish society has been formed and influenced by the Church. It may also be right to realise that even if the church don’t admit and take responsibility for the many children in Ireland who suffered sexual abuse, we all need to acknowledge that due to their oppression and dominance their teachings created the environment that enabled child sexual abuse to grow to levels we are still not even touching the sides of.

Body Shame

I recently joined a Zumba dance class and although it was very enjoyable, I couldn’t help but notice the vast difference between the instructor and the Irish women present.  The instructor looked so free and comfortable with her body while the Irish women looked stiff and prohibited whenever the movements could be perceived any way sexual in nature.

It is so long since I had taken part in anything like this that I was more than a little shocked at how self-conscious I was about how I looked doing these movements.  I thought it must be a cultural thing, my body is never going to be able to gyrate like that.

Later when I returned home and thought about it, I realised that yes it was cultural.  I had been taught a long time ago that my body and all its sexual functions were shameful. I was taught by a system that set me up as a sexual target, to be used and abused.

The Dominance of the Church

The system I refer to is the catholic church which aligned themselves with the government. Together they took up the mantle of oppression after English colonisation ended.  The Irish nation were still recovering and seeking hope for a brighter future.  The church promised heaven if you followed the commandments and Irish people were hurting, poor and with little or no education and so followed like sheep to the slaughter house. The church took advantage of Ireland’s time of need and instead of providing leadership, the church, together with the government took control over everyone.

Keepers of Our Souls

When I was a child, the church was responsible for our moral conduct and the keepers of our souls.  Everyone believed they had a direct line to God and so whatever they said must be true.

In my opinion, the church did the ground work and prepared all of us, albeit unintentionally, to be sexually abused.  The sermons in the pulpit sent out the message that sex was a bad thing unless you were married, it was not meant to be enjoyed but rather it was meant purely for procreation purposes.

In case that message wasn’t strong enough the church prohibited contraception to ensure no one had autonomy over their own bodies or the opportunity to have a free and healthy sex life that they themselves could control.  And according to the church, masturbation was also bad.  This sent out the clear message that your body was something to be ashamed of.

Intentionally or not, this left everyone feeling ashamed and overly self-critical of their bodies. They became frightened of any sexual drive, and like the forbidden fruit, this led to an unhealthy interest in sex.  What is, and should have always been a perfectly natural and healthy part of the human experience was deliberately destroyed and used as a weapon of control against lay people.

How to Control the Masses

The church set the tone for how women were to be viewed and treated.  They dominated women’s lives completely and seemed to take a special interest in controlling their sexuality.   In 1944 the church opposed the introduction of Tampons, claiming they might arouse women.

The mother and child scheme in 1950 was also opposed by the church which would have provided mothers and their children up to age 16 free health care. Up to then the church dictated on a woman’s ability to reproduce and feared that this scheme would open the door to contraception and abortion. As they owned and ruled over the hospitals and schools, they held a lot of power. However, it wasn’t till 1985 when women fought together, that the church finally lost their battle to stop women accessing contraception.

For the longest time a woman couldn’t refuse to have sex with her husband. If a couple were having problems in their relationship, the husband went to see the priest who would then inform the woman, that she should honour her ‘wifely duties’.  This sent a clear and powerful message to everyone that men were superior, and women were nothing but their property, to do with as they pleased.

How Education was Manipulated

To maintain their control the church needed to keep everyone subservient and ignorant. Education was and remains a powerful tool to keep the masses under control.

For women education was considered a waste of time and money. Women had a role to play that did not require them to think for themselves, they were only ever going to run a home and raise a family.

For men in the 1960’s the church made it a mortal sin to even attend Trinity College and regarded it as an unsafe environment for “the fateful.” This was endorsed by the Vatican and if you wanted to go to trinity, you had to get special dispensation from the pope, a letter of tolerance. This ban was in fact not lifted until 1971.

State & Church Rule Together

The government ruled on the few aspects of women’s lives that the church couldn’t reach. Everywhere in society women were given the strong message that men’s need’s and lives were more important than theirs.

Men were given all the control in and outside the home. In 1973-Married women had to leave their jobs in the civil service, as it was considered that they were occupying jobs that men should be holding. A woman had to get signed permission from their husband to collect children’s allowance. A woman couldn’t earn the same rate for a job as a man, she couldn’t even order a pint unless she had a man with her and even then, she was asked to pour it into two half pint glasses and sit in the snug out of sight.

As you had to be a homeowner woman were excluded from sitting on a jury. If a woman was being beaten by her husband, she had to put up with it as she was not allowed to apply for a barring order against her husband.

The list goes on and on.

Our History Influences our Present & Future

It is not about placing blame and responsibility on the state and church for the past. It is however, about acknowledging the reality of what happened here in Ireland, with particular reference to women.  Examining how the church’s actions alongside the governments support created an environment for sexual crimes to happen is necessary. Understanding that not only did they breed a cultural of acceptance of women being objects, but throughout history when an attitude exists where anyone feels more entitled, valuable or important than another person or group of people, appalling, sometimes unthinkable things happen.

No one is ‘less than’ anyone else. That is the Ireland we are striving for. The beliefs held and culture of non-accountability that allows child sexual abuse to continue has to stop. I firmly believe that the time is right, and it can happen when we all stand together and say ‘enough is enough.’

You cannot stifle human nature or the human spirit.

June Kavanagh – 6th August 2018